“My spouse wants a divorce, but I don’t. What do I do?”
This is a common questions asked by people in failing marriages. You want to save the marriage by working things out, but your partner doesn’t. They are done talking and don’t want to work things out.
What do you do in such an instance?
First, we’ll cover the 5 things you should NOT do if your spouse wants to leave :
1. Begging your spouse to stay
This is one of the worse things you can do. Often, this has the opposite effect you intended. When your spouse says they want a divorce, they usually have been thinking and planning about it for a long time. Your begging, crying and pleading often makes them certain about their decision to leave.
Also, note that it can be much much harder to save the marriage if your partner moves out. Do not be that partner. If you really want to save your marriage, you’ll stay and work things out.
2. Checking in on your partner
During this period, both of you need time to yourselves to think and reflect. This is when you do not want to text or call your spouse, asking them where they are or who they are with. It will only make them more frustrated and annoyed.
You may even have thoughts about your partner being with someone else, and immediately call them to confirm your doubts. Do not do this. Furthermore, text messages do not convey well. You might have meant to ask or say something with a friendly tone, only for it to come across as demanding and aggressive. Save this for the face to face interactions.
3. Promising to change
Most people use this more than once, and it doesn’t work after the first time (maybe the second if you’re lucky). If nothing has changed after you promised this the first time, why should he believe you this time around?
Avoid false promises at all costs. Here’s the interesting thing: Usually, what you want to do is counter-intuitive to what you know to be true. You know things won’t be different, but you’d like them to be, so you succumb to magical thinking and pretend that saying these words will somehow make it true. Why is that? Because we’re blinded by emotions when our marriage is falling apart.
When you’re dealing with a delicate situation, you have to keep a calm, clear mind—and admit to yourself and each other that things won’t change without a lot of work.
4.Do not get others to talk to your spouse.
You might feel helpless and desperate, and resort to getting your family or friends to talk to your spouse instead. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
5. Do not spy on your spouse
Hiring a Private Investigator, stalking your partner, or checking his phone to get clues to his daily activities are a no-no. If they find out you’ve been doing such things, it will only strengthen their urge to get divorced. It may be tempting to do these things, but the best way to find out is to get the answers directly from your spouse, by talking nicely and asking the right questions.
6. Do not let emotions control you
It is devastating to hear that your partner wants to split up. However, you have to be at your best. Do not let your emotions run wild and control your actions. You might be tempted to write a long public post telling everyone about your problem, ruin their lives, or to simply drown your sorrows in alcohol and the link.
Remember that these are short-term solutions and you will regret them when you have cleared your mind. Before you do something, think of the possible consequences. Wait 24 hours before you do something rash.
Here are the 5 things you should do, if you want to save your marriage :
1. Be at your best.
This is when you should not let your moods and feelings control you. Take good care of yourself, your appearance, and be at your best attitude when around your spouse. You want them to be attracted to and stay with you, so you have to look the part.
Also be careful of your words and be respectful towards your spouse. It’s all about being a pleasant person and partner to be around. The more you let your anger take control or displease your partner with harsh words or mean actions, the more they will want to leave. They have already requested to get a divorce, so your small actions that upset them will tip them over to the other side and make their decision to leave even easier.
2. Be approachable.
This means allowing your spouse to sit down to have a talk with your regarding your marital issues. They want to address their concerns and it gives you a chance to find out what they are thinking, and to answer any doubts. Do not keep repeating that you want to save the marriage. Be patient and let your spouse do the talking. You’ll learn more that way.
Listen to what they have to say, and try to understand where they’re coming from.
3. Keep your life moving.
Continue your day to day activities and go out with your family and friends. Don’t let your life stagnate. When this happens, your mind starts to run wild and it’s not good for your mental wellbeing. Keeping your life busy with fun activities will help take your mind of your problems and keeps you going. It might also help with your happiness as you have something to look forward to.
If you wish, you can even invite your spouse along. However, do not get discouraged if they refuse, and do not change your plans to suit them. Go ahead with your activities with or without them.
4. Don’t argue.
Arguing will only make things worse. If your spouse wants to rant, let them. If they see that you are not reciprocating, they might eventually stop. However, this might not work for everyone due to different personalities and attitudes.
If it doesn’t work, try your best to avoid an argument by walking away or simply telling your partner that you do not want to argue, and that you’d want a civil conversation to find solutions instead of screaming at each other. This is often a better way of avoiding arguments as it might catch them off guard and they’ll likely give in to your request.
5. Get help.
Talk to family or friends, or get professional help from a counsellor. This is the time you need it the most. Friends and family can be very helpful and give you a non-biased, third party’s view of the situation. This should help you see things from a different angle and realise any mistakes you might have made.
LawyerSearch – Divorce Lawyers in Singapore